Reading a post on someone elses blog, who shall remain nameless, I was struck by how lonely and rejected people can feel. Even people who are beautiful, funny and succesful.
High school was an awful time for me. Recently my oldest sister told me about a reunion at Scarborough High School. No way would I go! I had friends there, but they were generally friends you had as protection against not having friends. Some of them were good blokes, and if the situation had been different, I probably would have stayed friends with them. But the one bloke who was friends with me since primary school, did not want to be friends after high school. That rejection was pretty tough, but also systematic of who I was. An insecure person who did not like himself much at all.
Because of that, I think, I turned to various activities to forget about the pain. Pretty immature, I admit, but thats what happened.
Now I am at a much better place, in fact when I became a Christian at 19, I suddenly found acceptance of myself. It was quite amazing, looking back, and a radical change.
The last few years I think I have discovered who I truly am, after years of trying to be who people wanted me to be. Every now and then I will slip back into ‘people pleasing’ mode. Thats what happens when you have a strong father figure in your life.
Those who see a lot of me know I struggle with this, but I have to stand up and lead sometimes, and stuff the consequences, I have to be who God wants me to be. Thats when I am my most effective.
There is a deep agression in me, that I struggle with sometimes. Sometimes it comes out in the strangest ways. But I cant help but feel it is a strength God wants to use. He has certainly given me perseverance.
I suppose I bring all this history into my hopes and fears for my sons life. God, help me to affirm him, all the time. Yes, let me be a strong influence in his life, but also, let me let him, be him. And be very happy about who he is.